


Trollplaying

by mousaerato



Series: Cherubim Game Chatlogs [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bathtubs, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Pesterlog, Premature Ejaculation, Roleplay, Strip Games, This Is STUPID, Xeno, intertextuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-21
Updated: 2012-08-21
Packaged: 2017-11-12 15:18:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/492641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mousaerato/pseuds/mousaerato
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calliope wants to play a game with Caliborn this time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a direct continuation from pesterlog one.

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \--

uu: WHAT KIND OF GAME. DO YOu WANT TO PLAY.  
uu: YOu ALREADY WON. AT CHESS TODAY.

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \--

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

UU: no, brother! i want to play something akin to the…other game we played. remember?

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \--

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

uu: YOu MEAN THE ONE. WHERE YOu DREW ME ASSORTED DEBASEMENTS?

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

UU: …yes, that particUlar one. u_u;

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \--

uu: HAA. HAA.  
uu: ARE YOu SERIOuS?  
uu: OH. MERCY. YOu *ARE* SERIOuS AREN’T YOu.  
uu: I’LL HAVE YOu KNOW. YOu WHORE.  
uu: I ALREADY HAVE SOMEONE. TO DRAW ME MY SMuT.  
uu: AND HE IS *BETTER*. THAN YOu ARE.  
uu: tumut

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \--

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

UU: oh? qUirky dirky’s decided to indUlge yoUr action man antics then? :U  
UU: well then, it is a very good thing that there is a twist to my offer! ^u^  
UU: come on cal. i know yoU can’t resist a twist.   
UU: yoU prick.  
UU: is he even *answering* yoU?

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \--

uu: THE DuPLICITOuS HEMOTYPING FRAuD IS ANSWERING.  
uu: SOMETHING ABOuT. “LEGENDARY INFINITE SHOWERS”.  
uu: I WILL NOT DEGRADE MY GLORIOuS GAMES. BY PLAYING WITH *GLASSES*.  
uu: I GuESS I WILL PLAY YOu. AND uSE YOu AS A BITCH OuGHT TO BE uSED.  
uu: WHAT IS YOuR TWIST?

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

UU: my twist is simple: we will take oUr game to the next level.  
UU: as yoU recall, oUr last roUnd consisted of me drawing static pictUres of yoUr “vile” and “odioUs” interests for yoUr…rather dUbioUs consUmption.  
UU: what i believe woUld appeal to yoU is a step beyond that!   
UU: are yoU familiar with role playing, brother? 

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

uu: THAT DISGuSTING SHIT YOu DO. WITH THE COSTuME?  
uu: THAT IS FuCKED uP.

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \--

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

UU: well, that is part of it, yes.  
UU: in role playing, a player generally needs a partner. that’s where yoU come in!  
UU: we *act* the part instead of simply drawing it. a mUch livelier version of yoUr game i’d say.  
UU: i even made a trollsona for yoU! did yoU look at the pictUre i sent?

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

uu: OH FuCK.  
uu: NO. I DELETED THAT SHIT. FOR OBVIOuS REASONS.  
uu: AND YOuR SuGGESTION. IS DOWNRIGHT REPREHENSIBLE.  
uu: DIGuSTING.

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

UU: yoU know, i’m not hearing a no… :u~  
UU: so, i’ll assUme i can send yoU another drawing.   
UU: i mUst say i believe it is one of the more qUality works i’ve ever done! the coloUr scheme will appeal to yoU if i gUessed correctly. Here!  
UU: <http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4mgegc7HI1qgr9hfo1_500.png>

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

uu: YOu POSTED THIS. TO TuMBLR?  
uu: HAA. YOu WOuLD HAVE AN ACCOuNT THERE.   
uu: EXHIBTIONIST STREAK, CAL?  
uu: I DIGRESS. BACK TO THE PuZZLEMuRDERING OF YOuR “FINE WORK”.  
uu: ………..  
uu: WELL THEN.  
uu: THIS DAPPER GENTLEMAN. CERTAINLY KNOWS HOW TO CHOOSE HIS WEAPONRY.  
uu: HE SHARES A LOVE OF BLOOD AND GORE.   
uu: I WILL ADMIT. THIS IS ACTuALLY TOLERABLE. uGH.  
uu: WHAT IS HIS NAME?

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

UU: oh yoU do like it! ^u^  
UU: well dear, his name is entirely Up to yoU. however, troll cUltUre has some conventions regarding names.  
UU: ancient alternian nomenclatUre reqUires a six character forename and a six character sUrname.  
UU: for example, my trollsona is callie opheee. six and six! if yoU need, i can make a name for yoU.  
UU: from what i can tell, cherry blood was an exceedingly rare mUtation, so there are very few names from that blood caste. for my brother and co-player, thoUgh, i will be more than willing to do fUrther perUsal of my soUrces. 

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \--

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

uu: I AM RuNNING THIS SHOW. WITH THE NAMING.  
uu: AND YOu ARE NOT MY SISTER. HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO SAY THIS?  
uu: TROLLS DON’T EVEN HAVE A CONCEPT. OF “SISTERS” OR “BROTHERS.”  
uu: …FROM WHAT YOu TOLD ME.  
uu: ANYWAY.  
uu: I HAVE PICKED THE NAME. CAULIB BOuRNE.  
uu: YOu BETTER FuCKING IDOLIZE THAT NAME.  
uu: IT IS MAGNIFICENT.  
uu: NOW WHEN DO I GET. TO KILL A BITCH.

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \--

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \--

UU: oh there will be absolUtely no mUrder involved in oUr game, cal.  
UU: i thought we could role play the kinds of things yoU foUnd favoUrable in yoUr drawings.  
UU: the redder stirrings of other species, yes?

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \--

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

uu: YOu DIGuSTING PIECE OF TRASH. THAT IS DOWNRIGHT PERVERSE AND LEWD.  
uu: IT GETS HARD. TO *LOOK* AT THOSE HORRENDOuS DISPLAYS. AS IT IS.

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

UU: i’m still not hearing anything even *resembling* an abject refUsal, cal…  
UU: or shoUld i call yoU caUlib instead? ~_u  
UU: the rUles are simple. actions are encased in asterisks, althoUgh yoU may describe them in the first or third person. if yoU need to tell me something “oUt of character”, yoU can use either double parentheses or singUlar brackets to denote those.  
UU: oh! and in case yoU need a reference, here is a reliable online version of the information compiled in the tome i have.  
UU: <http://mspaintadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Troll>

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \--

uu: ………..  
uu: ((I WILL DEFEAT YOu AT THIS GAME. OF “ROLE PLAYING”.))  
uu: ((I WILL BE THE MOST AMAZING TROLL YOu EVER DID SEE.))  
uu: NOW. “CALLIE”.  
uu: I AM IN MY…RESPITEBLOCK NOW.  
uu: AND I AM LOOKING. SO. PEWTER.  
uu: AND ALSO. MY STRIFE SPECIBuS DISAPPEARED?

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \--

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \--

UU: ((^u^!!!!!!!!!!!))  
UU: oh, mister boUrne! oh! *swoons!*  
UU: let’s fill buckets!!!!!!!!!!!

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \--

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

uu: ((RATHER IMPATIENT THERE. AREN’T WE.))  
uu: NO.  
uu: WE WILL TAKE THIS COuRTSHIP SLOWLY.  
uu: BECAuSE YOu…ARE MORE THAN JuST A FANTASY PARTNER FOR APPEASING THE “DRONES”.  
uu: YOu ARE MORE THAN THE OCCASIONAL BITCH.  
uu: ((I FEEL FILTHY JuST WRITING THIS.))  
uu: CALLIE. I WISH TO BE YOuR *MATESPRIT*.

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \--

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \--

UU: oh, caUlib, yoU are so mUch more noble than I thoUght yoUr mUtant blood woUld permit.  
UU: i mUst confess: i’m flUshed for yoU too. ^u^ heeheehee.  
UU: *holds yoUr hand ever so gently*

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

uu: ((OH FuCK.))  
uu: I TAKE YOuR VILE WHORISH HAND.  
uu: I MEAN. I TAKE YOuR LOVELY AND BEAuTIFuL GRAY HAND. AND IT BRING IT TO MY LIPS.  
uu: I EXACT CAuTION. SO AS TO AVOID INJuRING YOu WITH MY SHARP TEETH.

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

UU: *blUshes a shade of lime green and looks Up at yoU, orange sclera a bright contrast to her eyes.*  
UU: yoU are jUst so considerate!

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \--

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

uu: YES. YOu ENJOY THAT DON’T YOu.  
uu: I WILL SHOW YOu ALL THE TENDERNESS AND RESPECT A HO COuLD ASK FOR.  
uu: I MEAN. A BELOVED *DARLING*.  
uu: I LOOK AT YOu WITH COMPLETE DEVOTION TO TELL YOu.  
uu: “I HAVE…A GIFT FOR YOu.”  
uu: I HAVE FILLED MY ABLuTION TRAP. WITH THE FRESHEST AND MOST FRAGRANT OF RED AND WHITE ROSES.  
uu: JOIN ME. AS I REMOVE MORE CuMBERSOME PARTS OF MY ENSEMBLE. BuT LEAVE MY SHORTS *ON*. IN THE TRAP’S DOWNRIGHT *INVITING* AND *COMFORTING* WATERS.  
uu: ((THERE IS A TWIST TO MY TWIST, CAL. AS YOu WILL SOON DISCOVER.))

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

UU: ((what the devil did yoU do? ...why did yoU do that? yoU’re getting into this!))  
UU: *looks where the ablUtion trap is located and gasps in genUine sUrprise*  
UU: why, i coUld jUst kiss yoU, yoU’re so sweet! ^u^  
UU: *decides to be bold and grabs the sides of caUlib’s face, planting a chaste yet impassioned kiss on his lips, waiting for some indication of his sentiments.*

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \--

uu: ((I DID SAY. THAT I WOuLD BEAT YOu. AT THIS GAME OF ROLE PLAYING.))  
uu: ((THINK OF IT AS “TAKING THIS TO THE NEXT LEVEL.” JuST LIKE YOu SAID.))  
uu: I FIND MYSELF SHOCKED BY THE ABSOLuTE *TENDERNESS* OF THE DISPLAY. BLuSHING AS RED AS THE ROMANCE BLOOMING BEFORE OuR VERY EYES.  
uu: I SIT PATIENTLY IN THE POSITIVELY *SWEET* SMELLING SWIRL OF RED AND WHITE PETALS FOR MY…  
uu: …PARAMOuR.

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

UU: ((well then, two can play that game. u_u;))  
UU: *nervoUsly removes the remnants of her garments and joins her matesprit in the aromatic sea he has so gracioUsly prepared*  
UU: what do yoU sUppose we do now?

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

uu: I STROKE AT YOUR SNOWY HAIR WITH uTMOST ATTENTIVENESS TO YOuR SERPENTINE HORNS.   
uu: AND. IN A MOVE OF *RESPECTFuL* RECIPROCATION. I REMOVE THE REMNANTS OF MY NOW SOAKED GARMENTRY TO MATCH YOu.  
uu: NOW. AS I PuT MY ARMS AROuND YOu TO HOLD YOu CLOSER TO ME. I SCOuR MY “THINK PAN” FOR THE WORDS. THAT I WANT TO uSE.  
uu: ((uuuNNNFFF. GOOD GRIEF. THIS IS JuST SO. *SENTIMENTAL*.))  
uu: I WROTE YOu A POEM.

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

UU: *tUrns her head to catch a glimpse of yoU behind her and looks absolUtely longingly into yoUr eyes that show jUst a hint of the red that will eventually fill them entirely*  
UU: blimey. :U

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \--

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

uu: ((OH SWEET MERCY. THIS IS DOWNRIGHT *ROMANTIC*.))  
uu: ((HOW THE FuCK DO YOu MANAGE TO GET THIS OuT OF ME.))  
uu: ((I FuCKING HATE YOu. ))  
uu: I MAKE CERTAIN THAT MY “CHITINOuS WINDHOLE” IS CLEAR AND RETuRN YOuR *LOVING* GAZE. AS I BEGIN.  
uu: “MY SWEETEST. LOVLIEST CALLIE. YOu AND I WERE MEANT TO BE. THE BLOOD IN YOuR VEINS LIKE HARLEQuIN SLIME. MAKES ME SO RED IT OuGHT. TO BE A CRIME. MY VASCuLAR SYSTEM PuMPS STRONGER. THAN A WILD HOOFBEAST. AND NOW. I HAVE PREPARED. A DELICIOuS FEAST.”  
uu: I REVEAL FROM THE EDGE OF THE ABLuTION TRAP. ABSOLuTELY *DELIGHTFuL* CANDY.  
uu: ((CHECK YOuR SIDE. OF THE MODuS.))  
uu: ((I AM TAKING THIS GAME TO THE EXTREME. YOu SNOT BLOODED SLuT.))

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \--

UU: (( yoU actUally sent me candy!!!!!!!!!!!))  
UU: ((^u^!))  
UU: *is so positively overwhelmed by caUlib’s oeUvre that she turns to face him now.*  
UU: *she straddles him and sits in his nUde lap, rUmble spheres pressing against him as she embraces him tightly.*  
UU: *she is actUally rather pleasantly sUrprised to discover caUlib’s rigid bone bUlge, fUlly prepared for the forthcoming mating.*

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

uu: ((I AM ALWAYS SERIOuS. ABOuT OuR GAMES.))  
uu: I TAKE THE INITATIVE IN THE SCINTILLATING ENCOuNTER. AS MY WONDERFuL “MATESPRIT” COMPLETELY SWOONS. OVER MY GESTuRE.  
uu: AS IS TO BE EXPECTED. FROM A TRuE MAN.  
uu: I PRESS MY BLACK TROLL LIPS. AGAINST YOuRS. I PLACE MY HANDS AT YOuR HIPS. AND PRESS OuR BODIES TOGETHER. AND KEEPING YOU FROM SLIPPING AROuND. IN THE WATER AND AROMATIC PETALS.  
uu: I GIVE YOu SEVERAL TENDER PECKS. ON YOuR MOuTH.  
uu: “YOu ARE LIKE SuGAR TO MY LIPS. CALLIE.”  
uu: ((THIS IS ALL JuST SO *NASTY*. FuCKING. FuCK.))

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

UU: *tUrns the kiss into something more affectionate, rUnning her hands through her matesprit’s hair and rUbbing his pointed, sensitive horns as she prepares to have his bUlge stretch her nook.*  
UU: caUlib, please hUrry. yoUr coloUrfUl overtUres have most certainly cUrried my favoUr.  
UU: *smiles at him, hoping that soon they can do more than jUst get maUdlin together.*  
UU: this scarlet affair will be written in the stars, my darling.

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

uu: ((OH GOOD SWEET MERCIFuL FuCKING HOES OF WHORES. YOu BITCH.))  
uu: ((YOu ARE A VILE MuSE OF SMuT.))  
uu: ((THIS IS JuST DOWNRIGHT FILTHY. NASTY. PORNOGRAPHIC.))  
uu: ((I’M GONNA NEED. A TOWEL.))  
uu: ((MMMMFFFF.))  
uu: ((IT’S JuST SO GRODY. TENDER. AND FuCKING SWEET.))  
uu: ((I LOVE SWEETS BuT THIS. THIS IS.))  
uu: ((FuCK.))  
uu: I AM OVERWHELMED. BY THE EMOTION OF THE MOMENT.

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

UU: *is likewise overwhelmed, realizing she cannot locate her filial pail*  
UU: oh, no. where do yoU keep yoUr bucket?

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \--

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

uu: WE ARE DONE HERE.  
uu: CAL. “CALLIE”. WHATEVER THE FuCK NAME YOu PREFER.  
uu: WE ARE PuTTING OuR CLOTHES BACK ON.  
uu: BuT HERE. AS A TOKEN OF “APPRECIATION”.  
uu: <http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m94j2bd8sy1r7difv.png>  
uu: tumut

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 

UU: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  
UU: YOU ARE ACTUALLY DONE?  
UU: YOU ARE ALREADY THERE?!  
UU: FINE! GO ENJOY YOUR RIDICULOUS NAP!  
UU: YOU ARE A HORRIBLE RP PARTNER!

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] \-- 


	2. Chapter 2

Meanwhile, in a 20 universe radius of this event…

TT: Yjr vjrino, j’br syyr,[yrf yp ,syr  
TT: Yjod od [stsfpcov’;;u pg htrsy vpd,ov dohmogovsmvr smf pg mp vpmvrtm ejsydprbrt  
GG: rose are you okay???  
TT: The Horrorterrors are screaming.  


* * *

TT: What does le sign actually mean in this context?  
TG: oh come on  
TT: Come on what?   
TG: LE SIGN IS UNIVERSALLY UNDERSTOOT TO MEAN TOO BAD HES GAY YOU DELIBERABLY OBTUSE DUNDERFUCK   
TT: I mean, yeah, that's what I thought.  


* * *

GG: Screw it!   
GG: Ask him out.   
GG: Just kill the suspense already.   
GG: Become boyfriends and such.   
GG: Have some babies!!!   


* * *

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] \-- 

uu: MY ROLE PLAYING GAME. WAS AMAZING.  
uu: THE END.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Eldtrich Tongue message actually *does* say something.
> 
> Also, I'm sorry that this is a thing that exists. Again.

**Author's Note:**

> Caliborn's trollsona was drawn by Flux (http://parachuter.tumblr.com/post/23787146063/sleep-sleep-through-your-woe-while-your-voice), used here with permission. 
> 
> The structure of this pesterlog is a callback to Kate Beaton's Hark! A Vagrant Comic, strip #120, called "Ooh Mr. Darcy," seen here: http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=120
> 
> The last two pesterlogs are directly from MSPA, pages 6388 and 6493, respectively.
> 
> Also, I'm sorry that this is a thing.


End file.
